Saala Bhaalu

Andy stormed into Vishal’s room, unannounced of course.
“Vishal? Dude man…where art thou?”
“In a minute…” yelled Vishal from the bathroom.
“I don’t really need you out here. You are no good. Just tell me where the maal is…”

The thing about a guys’ room is the informal atmosphere – welcoming anyone and everyone who has dope and/or moolah or easy access to them.

Andy made himself comfortable on Eppa’s bed - legs dangling, upper body supported by the left elbow and mind engrossed in solving the rubik's cube that was an essential part of Eppa’s property.
Vishal stepped out of the bathroom and looked around. Jat had just walked in. His perfect physique always attracted many a girls but the moment he opened his mouth they disappeared faster than the speed of light. Or the way Andy usually said – “faster than a fart in a fan factory”.
The trio looked at each other. Expressionless as usual.
“Koi mar gaya kya?” Andy asked Jat.
“Filhaal toh nahi. Kyu tera irada hai kya?” said Jat – trying to sound smart – and macho.

“Saala mera he room milta hai tumko har baar- no khoon kharaba here…” Vishal muttered as if talking to the air. He walked towards his cupboard and started fiddling with the items– and soon his casual search turned fanatic.
“What the fuck…!!!”
“Yeah tell me you misplaced it – loser. Saala ek kaam you can’t do properly” came Andy’s flying comment, who by the way was still engrossed in solving the cube.
“Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck….”
“Eh you stop fucking and tell me what’s happening” interrupted Jat as usual in his thick Haryanvi accent.
“Don’t bother brother…aaand I’m done!” said Andy flinging the cube towards Jat. Jat managed to catch the cube before it hit his privates. “Aee…future khatre mein mat daal!!!”
“Jat ko ghaath nahi hota…” laughed Andy and winked at Jat.
“Yo loser – mila kya?” Andy said turning his lazy gaze towards Vishal.
“I rolled the last joint with the maal- 80% maal 20% tobacco - put the joint in a small packet – put the packet in my brown jacket’s left pocket and put the jacket in here. Saala – no Jacket now!”
“Lair. I’m sure you smoked up without us…stop making stories”
“Fucker I’m not lying. Jat ki kasam…”
“Meri maaro tum sab…” Jat looked at them as he stopped playing with the cube.
“Yaar woh jacket…? Is it on the bed? Or the door? Or the chair?”

The trio looked around the room and finally at each other.
“Shit! EPPA!!!” they screamed unanimously and darted out of the room like the first bullet out of an H&K - MP5 threatening its target with grave, imminent and lethal damage!
Running across the campus they bumped into Gosh.
“Oye did you see Eppa?”
“You know something’s happened in senior’s ka room…Rajan was freaking out majorly and literally stripping some of our classmates. Saala juniors ki bohot le raha hai” Gosh went on.
“We’ve been in our room. So no idea. No care. Did you see Eppa woh bol…” spurted Vishal.
“I guess I saw him walk towards the canteen or the amphitheatre…whaa…”
And before Gosh could ask or say anything more the trio charged towards the canteen. They rushed in and started looking for their “bear” figured Eppa. For a split second, everyone in there stared at them blankly before resuming their banter and eating.

They rushed out again to hunt the “bear” and found him sitting under a tree behind the canteen. Smoking, smiling and waving at them.
“Eppa…bhaalu…tell me u didn’t…” started Vishal.
“Tell you I didn’t….but what?” smiled Eppa stubbing the cigarette in his hand.
“Did you smoke the joint from this jacket?” questioned Andy, pretty sternly.
“Yep”
“Saala bhaalu..!!” cursed Andy.
The constant grinning and smirking of Eppa made the jokers ultimately smile too.

They sat beside him.
“My first time you see…hehehe…” Eppa grinned like a five year girl. “And you know what – I’m feeling very impatient..very jumpy..tingling sensations all over…kuch kuch ho raha haiiii”
“I feel like jumping…and running…or maybe run and jump..or,” he continued.
“You mean hurdles?” completed Jat, and got a dhaap from Andy.
“Yeah put more words in his mouth. Saala. Stop giving him ideas.”
“Hurdles it is!!!” jumped Eppa excitedly.
“Shit!” sighed Vishal.
And before they could say Jack Robinson Eppa was already running and jumping over imaginary hurdles.
“Catch him before a professor spots him,” screamed Andy and jumped up.

But Eppa was on a different trip now. He was like the uncontrollable grizzly bear on a rampage. But he made a rather disgustingly funny sight running in his dirty black trousers that hung pretty low revealing his brown Dixcye innerwear, the stinky red tee-shirt which hadn’t been washed for over a month now tugging out of his trousers and Vishal’s brown jacket that he zabardasti tried to fit in looking trapped on his big bulky frame. And he was sprinting with his hands in the air, jumping like a five year lass in open fields, full of glee on attaining her first Barbie doll (maybe).
It was an uphill task for the three musketeers to get a hold of Eppa and humor him all the way to the hostel room, but not before they stumbled, fell or tripped over the stones or simply entangled in each other’s legs trying to hold Eppa and walk him straight.

They were almost seriously injured by the time they reached the room and Jat tried putting Eppa on his bed. Eppa dropped with a plop on the bed crushing Jat’s right arm underneath him.
“Ahh…my head is spinning crazy…” cried Eppa.
“Ahh…my hand is hurting crazy…” cried Jat.
Andy and Vishal sat panting on Vishal’s bed facing the other two.
Jat managed to free his arm and got up heaving a sigh of relief.

“Dekho yaar…don’t spoil Eppa,” he preached.
“But we didn’t force him or ask him to smoke up. He found it. He did it. Bhaalu is not a minor anymore and I’m guessing he has a mind of his own,” Vishal replied, a bit angry.
“Jo bhi…you guys smoke in front of him…so maybe he’s trying to imitate you or fit in”, Jat went on.
“Yeah we smoke in front of you too. But you are still the same. Body builder jat,” the critic in Andy answered.
“Meri baat alag hai…”
“Bhaalu is not a kid. Or wait. Maybe he is. Did you see him run and jump and dance abhi…hahahaha…” cracked Andy.
Andy leaned on Vishal’s bed and happened to see a dirty filthy tee-shirt on the bed and Vishal followed his gaze. Their eyes met.
“When’s your birthday man?” asked Andy.
“That’s not mine…”
Andy picked up the tee carefully by the tip of his forefinger and thumb and threw it on Eppa’s face, who seemed to have passed out instantly after dropping on the bed.
“Fatte strong joint tha…look at bhaalu pass out” smirked Andy.
“Saala Bhaalu…”
Andy turned to where he’d picked up the shirt from and noticed a small white packet. He picked it up and opened it – to discover a joint.
Vishal stared blankly at Andy and Jat’s towering figure closed in on them.
“Fuck! Yeh… bhaalu ne kya maara!?!?” blurted a shocked Vishal.
“Yeh pooch – kiska maara!” exclaimed Andy.
No sooner had Andy completed his sentence Gosh came running in, “Vishal, Andy…Juniors called in Rajan’s room…major panga man! Someone flicked his expensive Manali ka maal!”

Andy and Vishal froze. They looked at Jat who was standing – expressionless (yes, as usual). Vishal looked at Eppa move. He was trying to get up. Maybe the stench from the tee-shirt disturbed his sweet slumber. He tried opening his eyes. “I’m hungry…” he said rubbing his eyes.
“Koi mar gaya kya…?” asked Eppa in a funny tone with his eyes still red.
“Haan…tu,” came Andy’s blank response.