Caffeine (the love of my life)

I think i'm slowly becoming addicted to coffee......and not even the quality stuff, but the stuff that tastes like pure caffeine/nicotine kinds...and is darker than the mines.

I roll outta bed, fashionably late because I think i'm a big deal.......and i'm really not, it's just that nobody cares if I come and go as I please. And you may go ahead and assume that I set the bar pretty high in the "slacker" category.

I make coffee for maself every day, thrice a day, minimum. And I like it dark and strong and almost as bitter as the bean crushed between the teeth would taste like. Its viscosity is astonishing. And its after taste – simply tongue twisting, arousing the senses, opening the buds (or probably closing them).

(I think I just used a pretty crappy description that only half of you will probably comprehend.....sorry, i'll start swearing more for the sake of you vocabularily challenged people. Happy losa? I shouldn't talk, because I may or may not have just made up the descriptive word "vocabularily" because it sounded neat.....) Ok, shut up, you're getting me off track again.....stop it. Say "sorry" to me right now....anyways...

So, every day, while trying to shake off whatever cranial fog that has overridden my ability to carry out any cognitive thinking, I go and grab a cup of joy. However, I can never find the fine cut-off line of when it is time to STOP DRINKING THE SHIT. I'm going to now show you the comparison of coffee and meth, that has me willingly considering caffeine rehab.

Disclaimer: If you are NOT familiar with "caffeine", it is a bitter alkaloid (C8 H10 N4 O2) and is used as a stimulant......and you're stupid. I'm not laughing, you're laughing, i'm not laughing......

So I gulp down cup number one, early morning…no problemo. So i'm feeling a bit spry at this point, and hell, that one was pretty good. So the obvious effects of #1 are that my eyes widen a bit, feeling a few chills flow through the body. Nothing too distracting.

The thing about cup #1, is that it begins to bring on the urge to #2 in your pants, because caffeine has the tendency to cause "Bowel Motility". And so, the convulsions begin, and I can't stop singing the lyrics to the "Ghost Busters" theme song.And after the wonderful relief…its time for cup #2, by afternoon. Let's see what joy it can bring to me.

So I say to myself, "Darn! This stuff is wonderful, maybe the best thing that's happened to me", and I'd have to agree with me on this one. This cup is REALLY good. So good in fact, that I don't realize that my taste buds have gone into hibernation because the flavor would most likely be like taking a bunch of 5 year old Coco Puffs, crushing them up, rolling a turd in them.....then scraping off the Coco Puffs and putting what's left in your mouth.

Well I need my daily dose (as I like to call it) to keep up with my skills.

Number three, by evening, is where things get crazy. And after the 3rd cup, I jump outta my house with a firm determination to take my neighour’s dog (will explain the concept of “neighbour’s dog” later) for a walk. Or so I’d like to believe. Coz usually it’s him taking me for a walk not vice versa!

So…in the elevator I try to prove how headstrong I am. I attempt to bang my head to the walls of the elevator…which as you can imagine, does me little justice and offers an EXTREMELY slim chance of not having a friggin headache....like 0% chance, which for you mathemagicians, is not a good chance.....and if you're not a mathemagician, just trust me on this one.

So then for the rest of the evening as I walk “half my dog” i'm all strung out and wondering what i'm doing with my life.

Those open ended questions start boppin up. The quest for life begins. The weirdness of things start setting in. I start talking to Michael Clark (half my dog) looking for answers. Seems like I whine more than he does. And his look really baffles me…as if trying to say – “girl u gotta stop jabbering. U giving me a headache!” Honestly, at one point I really thought I heard him say that !

Moral of the story.....everything is ok in moderation....I think it's time for me to stop talking for a little bit.